Please Keep Trying!

It’s been about three weeks since I updated, mostly due to bad pain from my lousy hip issues. It’s hard to type when you can’t sit or concentrate. I’m so out of alignment because of my wiggly marionette-style ligaments, any physical therapy I do without a brace causes nothing but grief. Lots and lots of stabby, burning grief. But through it all, I stayed focused on my goals: get stronger and get rid of the skin. After much pain, headaches and general bullshizer, I’ve finally made an appointment with a plastic surgeon about getting rid of all the excess skin, and that happens today at 3:00.

Although I have a slim shot at getting the insurance to cover the operation, I still have three doctors willing to advocate that it’s medically necessary, which in fact, it is. My knee doctor, who basically gave up on my knee therapy when he heard about my impingement, nonetheless agreed to advocate for me that I needed the operation to lessen the impact on my arthritis.

My physical therapist, a doc in her own right, also tells me she’ll advocate since it really, really gets in the way of PT- literally. Whenever she tries to tape me for therapy, it’s always a struggle to get around the “loose tissue” as she calls it. Hey, it’s flabby skin, but I like her PC verbage better. The flub also causes trouble when I need to do ab work. It just hangs there and can’t be moved.

I was informed by my therapist the doctor who diagnosed the funness of the hips will also undoubtedly advocated for me.

That’s three medical professionals who say they’ll step up to the plate and bat for me. It may be a long shot, but it isn’t impossible. I understand, however, the process may take up to a year to finish. It involves submitting the claim, getting certified, having the docs all write letters, submitting the letters and trying to prove the medical necessity of the operation. I’ll also be submitting testimonials from other professionals I’ve come in contact with about this and testimonials from my friends and family. That could definitely take a year.

But everyone journey starts with a step, yadda yadda, so forth and so on, so technically speaking, my journey towards a less flappy me starts today. This is something I’ll try and keep updated on the site as I know many people who lose weight also want to see how this little trip fares. It may get rough though, and I foresee many tears, curses and rallying cries in my future.

It seems I’ve been doing much bitching and moaning lately about “stuff”. It’s an unfortunate fact that this year is dedicated to getting well from various, previously undiagnosed maladies, which in turn leads to much whininess. Hopefully I impart some positive facts about my weight loss in between the mountains of griping.

If it’s one thing I must, and everyone who goes down this path must do as well, is to remember the positive. Yeah, I have a knee injury and a hip impingement, but I gotta think, hey, even with these two nasty painful buggers, I still lost 180 pounds. Yep, I have twenty pounds of sagging tissue which makes me feel yucky, but jeezus, I still lost that enough weight to have that happen! Which leads me to believe, I’m stronger than I thought, and have achieved above and beyond what I ever even aimed for.

Reinforcing the positive is pretty much the only way to keep going when life gives us a sucker punch to the psyche. So I get up, look in the mirror and say, you look fantastic! Because, hells yes, I have lost more weight in the past two months, I have gained ten more pounds of muscle (I scare me with my biceps), I have gotten more flexible with my knee (oh, but the PT sucks!) and I have really amped up my metabolism.

I’ve decided that I don’t look hideous anymore- I even got hit on by a really cute air man after a bon odori performance. (David thought it was funny, especially since he was two feet away watching it happen). Yes, validation by a cute guy!

I’ve been doing well, if I sit down and add up all the positive things. It’s really easy to tally the negative, but it’s just as simple to say, man, I’m doing well.

It’s summer again (at least in the Midwest)! That time of year when the sweat sticks to various surfaces and melds flesh to vinyl. That time of year we must strip nigh down to our skivvies in order to stay “cool” (Who’re we kidding? It’s still hotter n’hell.) It’s also that time of year Rachel must make that dreaded journey to the clothing stores in order to have suitable summer apparel.

I frick’n hate this time of year. First off, I don’t have the best internal temperature regulator. I’m either super hot or super cold, my body doesn’t deal with much in between the extremes. In the winter I must bundle up and wear layers upon layers of thermal clothing and in the summer I need to wear a loincloth and a boob bandanna.

You’d think I’d be super-fantastic-happy-hooray-go-me about clothes shopping due to my uber weight loss. Tssk, silly, don’t you know twenty pounds of sagging skin is no reason to party? Mmm, yep, since the skin pools in odd places, reducing some areas and increasing others, I have “special needs” when it comes to clothes, and shopping for them is about as much fun as bathing in bleach.

It’s depressing as hell to know underneath all that wrinkly flesh is a size ten, but because of the layers of origami-style flab wrapping, I’m a size sixteen. Yes, I said it. A size 16. Last year I thought I’d be a size twelve, what with the weight loss and the fact I was wearing a size ten top. Ha, noooooos! I went up! Up to a size fourteen!!! And this year, not to be outdone, the ‘ol skin has sagged and pooled so much that even though my upper body is slim and built, (oolala!) the lower body looks like I dropped my skin pants.

Let’s discuss how this phenomena occurs. When the fat evaporates, the skin sags since nothing is there to hold it up. The body can only reabsorb so much of that stretched out flesh before the skin succumbs to gravity and falls down. And down, and down. Now, the skin has reached my knees and is literally layered around my joints. Oh, v-o-m-i-t. Like I need more pressure on my knees.

I was told I needed to lose weight or the arthritis which is lurking in my joints (hips and knees) will get slowly worse. Screw that. I’ve lost all I can. I’m going to talk to my orthopaedists and ask them to advocate for me to the insurance company to get the skin removed. I’ll be damned if I work this hard on my knee injury and hip impingement only to have it mean nothing because twenty pounds I couldn’t ever shed dragged me down the road of arthritis.

This is the last summer I’ll be wearing my skin pants around my knees. Mark my words. Angry ex-fat girls are a force to be reckoned with.

I have issues with staying organized. Ever since I was young I’ve had a hard time keeping thoughts and possessions tidy. It annoyed my parents when I was a kid and now, as an adult, it’s annoyed me. However, early on in my weight loss, I decided I’d clear the clutter and random junk in my life. Initially it was simply so I could think better, but it soon became apparent being organized had other benefits.

Cut the Crap

First off, we got rid of everything, and I mean everything, we hadn’t used in a year. Clothes, knick knacks, candles, pens, flatware, mugs, posters, everything in our house was a potential piece of clutter. If it didn’t have a foreseeable use, it was donated. If it was nostalgic, we had to give a long and detailed recounting of what it meant to us. If we couldn’t do so within five seconds, away it went. Needless to say, many “meaningful” things were tossed. Soon, the house was pared down and we had breathing room for the first time since we’d been married. The absence of “stuff” had a very soothing effect. If I’m soothed externally, chances are I’m not going to internally soothe myself with food. I noticed I wasn’t as much of a basket case after I started tidying the house and organizing everything and that meant not as much comfort eating.

Don’t Forget the Food!

By organizing everything, I mean even the pantry and refrigerator got a once over, probably more thoroughly than anywhere else. Food was labeled and put in tidy containers, which stated if and where I had refills of the contents. Veggies were precut and stored in clear ziplock baggies. Before, I had no idea what foods I had. I’d peek my head into the pantry or fridge and not see the ingredients I needed to cook a meal. Instead of going out to buy said ingredients, we’d go out and just get an entire meal. At McDonald’s. Not too healthy, or cheap for that matter. Just in knowing what I had saved us money and a bad decision.

Plan Ahead

In order to further get my life in shape, I began organizing my time. One way I did that was to cut down on the amount of time I spent shopping and cooking. To do that required planning out every meal for two weeks. Since we don’t eat meat or much dairy, it was possible to buy foodstuffs which would last between paychecks without expiring. But first, I made lists of what we needed. That was easy because now that the pantry was in good shape, it was a snap to know precisely what I had and didn’t have. I shopped maybe once week, and since all the meals were plotted out weeks in advance, there was no guesswork or time wasted hemming and hawing over what’s for dinner. Time, money, energy and health were optimized simply by putting everything in its place.

Furthermore, the time saved by not shopping daily meant I had more time for the gym. More time for the gym meant more calories burned, which meant more pounds lost.

Getting into shape means getting your surroundings into shape. Weight loss is a holistic process, one that’s not effectively resolved with just healthy eating and exercise. Ever since I’ve cut the clutter and minimized my environment, I’ve helped minimize my waist. Try it and watch your worries and your weight disappear!

I went to an orthopaedist last week to find out what the pains I’d been having in my right groin area were. I thought, with good reason, it was a hernia due to the location and the pain. My gynecologist referred me to an orthopaedist who specializes in pelvic wall disorders. I was confused as to why I was seeing an orthopaedist instead of an internist but decided to go anyway on the chance my doc knew what she was talking about. Turns out, she did know what she was talking about.

The docs at the ortho clinic were super nice and listened to me gripe about the intense pain in my lower abdominal area. They then had me do some walking tests and other strength tests. An x-ray was then taken of my hip area. Well, that was the turning point, at least for me, in convincing me I had a different problem than a hernia. The x-ray showed an impingement in my hip bones at the joint, the same place the muscles which had been hurting came in contact with. Needless to say I was floored. All this time I believed wholeheartedly the issues I had were due to gut problems, and then to find out my issues are really with hips and hip bones is kind of surprising.

The pain I’d been having was caused by the muscles rubbing against the impingement and becoming inflamed and irritated, which then caused the pain. The pain during intimacy was explained that the muscles which are attached to the hips wrap around the reproductive area. When the pelvic muscles are irritated, the area in the groin also becomes irritated. Well hell.

To make matters more interesting, I was told my knee problems were undoubtedly directly influenced by my messed up hips. The impingement also has an impact on my walking and foot placement. My feet tend to turn inward as I set them on the ground, a big no-no in taijutsu. This is supposedly due to the way the hips are situated. Crap, crap and more crap.

What’s the solution? Physical. Therapy. My favorite past time and money vacuum. Because I want more physical therapy like I want an extra twenty pounds. So I’m pissed right now. I soldiered through two and half months of intense PT only to have to do more for something else I was born with. The physical therapy script written for my impingement therapy is two frick’n pages long. I’m no fortuneteller, but I foresee much pain and cursing in my immediate future.

When I put the sidebar up, I included a category titled “Surgeries“. Surgeries implies more than one surgery, and when I started losing weight and then injured my knee, I figured I’d be needing plenty in the foreseeable future.

Well, Leftie doesn’t need surgery, so that leaves one I know I need for sure, body contouring, and one which is still up in the air, hernia.

After I started losing more than 140 pounds, I started having pangs in my groin/ lower abdominal area. They were really bad when I laughed, went to the bathroom, lifted heavy objects, or otherwise strained myself. The really bad pains however, occurred during intimacy. That had me stumped. I didn’t have health insurance when the pain started a year and a half ago, but I still went and paid cash for my yearly well women’s exam. I told my gyno about it and she said I may have a hernia.

A hernia. I’m a woman, what are the chances I’d get a hernia? She informed me since I lost so much weight, the sagging skin, or whatever, caused the hernia, and when I continued to lose weight, the hernia collapsed inwards. Imagine the horror of hearing something like that and knowing you can’t afford to get it fixed. I waited another pain-filled year and at my next well woman’s, one which I had insurance to pay for, I told her about my problem.

The doctor had me get an ultrasound, which came up clean, with no indicators of anything gynecologically related. Next came an exam of the outside area of the pain. Nadda. Then came something fairly obvious: I have no abdominal muscles. Duh. You don’t get stretched out like a rubber balloon for ten years and expect to have any muscle tone left.

So off I go to a surgeon who’s a pelvic wall specialist. That’s tomorrow. I’m kinda scared. Two things could happen:

1. She has no idea what’s wrong and it’s another month’s wait till I see another specialist who’ll refer me to someone else, again.
2. I have a hernia and will need surgery.

Either of those scare the hell out of me. Not knowing is the scariest, though. Knowledge is power and right now I feel pretty damn feeble.

I read that bariatric patients are prone to internal hernias due to their surgeries. Is it because of the actual surgery or the rapid weight loss? I didn’t lose my weight very fast and I never went under the knife to do it. It’s collateral damage from being obese, one of many. I have spider veins on the backs of my knees, skin sagging everywhere, a hernia and god knows what else.

Yeah, I lost the weight and am still getting fit, but what price did I pay? Monetarily, physically, and emotionally, the cost is exorbitant.

First off, yes I know I suck for slacking, but things have been pretty busy lately, what with all the physical therapy and doctors visits. Speaking of, I went back to taijutsu last week for the first time in seven months. Incredible. It felt incredible.

All the daily physical therapy, icing, glucosamine, and strength training are paying off. The pain is still there, though not as much, but I can move unhindered more than I could before. When I’d gone to my latest doctor visit, I wasn’t as sore as I had been, and the doctor told me it would do me good to go back to training if I didn’t push it. I actually listened to everything the doc said, not just the part I wanted to hear (you can go back to taijutsu, you’re fine) and I iced Leftie throughout practice.

However, some cold hard facts came to light as I started getting back into the thick of it:

• I have a lot of catching up to do.
• My mental game still needs work.
• My knee is better but not well.

I love taijutsu. I don’t just love it because it’s a martial art or that I’m learning to defend myself, although those do factor in. I love it mainly because of the discipline and perspective it gives me. I’ve lacked those two things throughout much of my life and picking them up in such an unlikely place has helped me immeasurably.

Taijutsu has helped me lose weight because of the discipline and perspective it imparts. I’ve watched as it did the same thing for my senpai. Being able to step back and let things flow naturally is like learning to live for the first time. I have balance in my life now and black and white don’t have the meaning they once did. Because of taijutsu I see things more in the spectrum of gray and “never” is a seldom used word. Good ol’ perspective.

But right now, I have to play it safe with the knee and take it really slow. I was able to throw and be thrown for the first time in almost a year, yet my body and mind aren’t on the same page, or even reading the same book for that matter.

Although I sat in on practices throughout the months of my injury, my body can’t react to what my mind is saying. Sure, I know I need to be right there, and be there fast, but I can’t move like I did before the trouble started. I can’t even kneel properly to bow in. Thanks to my training though, I can say, it’ll happen. Thanks to training I can say, keep going. Thanks to training I won’t give up and snivel in a corner. I learned a new phrase last night which sums up how I feel about taijutsu in my life: Arigato Iroiro- “Thanks for Everything!!”

Two months ago, I ordered some kefir grains from the internet so I could make my own kefir beverage at home. Since that time, my babies, as I fondly call my gooey grains, have grown exponentially and are keeping me well supplied with homegrown probiotic goodness. Since then, I’ve started growing kombucha.

Kombucha is a fermented tea beverage made from placing a round, rubbery colony of yeast and bacteria in a solution of regular black or green tea and sugar. The lil’ beasties eat the sugar and tea and create probiotic acids (lactic and acetic) and vital organic acids (glucuronic and gluconic) in the process. These acids are supposed to balance the body’s pH level and aid in self-healing.

Some people swear this stuff gives them all manner of touchy-feely good hippy vibes, but as yet, I only find myself addicted to the taste. I drink kombucha three times a day, per recommended dosages but I don’t feel any life shattering changes. However, as with any natural supplement or remedy, this is neither, really, it takes time, a loonnnnggg time, for any significant improvements to be noticed. If anything, this stuff is delicious and refreshing, so even if I get nadda outta the experience, I still walk away knowing I brewed my own kombucha for $1 a gallon while everyone else is forking over $35 for the same, overly sour stuff.

I’m now considering fermenting my own natto. Yes, natto. That gloopy, boogery snot-looking Japanese test of gaijin-ness. I’ve had natto, three times. Each time I was disgusted beyond words by its foul stench and loathsome texture. Japanese folk have a great time feeding this to foreigners to see their reaction. It’s the equivalent of feeding someone “prairie oysters” and then passing it off as something eaten all the time. Natto, despite its overt grossness, is still a fermented food, and has all the criteria of being “good” for you. I figure if I grow it home, it can’t be as nasty as the stuff at the store. Can’t be.

Growing one’s own “food” has become quite a hobby, with rewards ranging from smugness (it really does feel good to raise minute colonies of bacterium) to healthy intestines (no more sharp stabby night pains!) My only issue is where to put all the bowls and jars of fermenting food so they don’t gross out company…

Stupid, stupid knee. I’m so freaking tired of hobbling around like an old person. Hell, I know older people who move with more grace than my injured 31 year old frame does. I went back to the doctor on Monday and while my muscle tone is better (score!) it hasn’t lessened the pain nor improved my range of motion.

So what’s it all for? The physical therapy, which is draining time and money, the home exercises, which hurt like hell and also consume my hours. What’s it all for? I still ache, I still have limited range of motion, even after six weeks.

I came home from the doctor’s office Monday and felt more depressed than I have in months. He said he might have to “’scope” me. Meaning cut me open to see why I have so much pain. But if there isn’t anything there to cause the pain, the surgery could leave me worse off than before. Greeeaat. How about we don’t do that.

My only other option is to keep pouring time, pain and money into the ever growing pit which is my knee. I don’t like that option, but it’s the only one I have. It’s not even an option. It’s either do the physical therapy or become truly cripple, unable to exercise or enjoy life. Kinda like now. Damn.

After taking a week (or was it two?) to get my eating back on track, I’ve finally feel as if I can breathe a little easier. Looking ten pounds of fat in the face (literally) was enough to make me not eat a second helping and not much of a first one either.

I’m going to the gym as much as my bum knee will allow me (four days one week, two weeks the next) and I don’t feel as fat anymore. The weight’s still there, trickling off by ounces, but I don’t have the sense of being a fat girl like I did two weeks ago.

I’m still depressed about the whole affair, and believe I suffered some kind of loss because of the weight gain. But at least I was aware of the gain and now know my body well enough to be able to check in with it. So yeah, I gained weight. I gained about ten pounds. I feel horrible because of it yet even though I suffered a setback, I won a victory in that I caught it and immediately rectified the problem. That’s gotta count for something!