Please Keep Trying!

I weighed myself the other day. I had a really bad feeling I’d gained weight and I was even told my face looked fuller. My thighs felt heavier too. Turns out I did in fact gain weight, about ten pounds to be exact. Ouch. Well that wasn’t much of a surprise, seeing as how I knew I was pigging out more than usual and not exercising as much with my bum knee. Stress and disorganized thinking have that effect on me.

I’m going to stop writing my book for the time being and focus on writing for magazines. I’ll also be doing my damnedest to lose the ten pounds and then some. We’ve had a rough time lately with personal issues, (car was totaled by a deer, knee isn’t getting any better, issues with family health, etc.) so I’m going to focus on resolving what I have in front of me before going on to other tasks.

I actually felt much better after I accepted I wouldn’t have the time or energy to be writing. This site won’t disappear, and I will keep writing on it as much as I can. I’m just going to take stock of the “little” things I need to do and then re-evaluate how to tackle bigger issues.

That’s not sarcasm up there in the title; I’m glad I gained two pounds. The reason I’m ecstatic about my weight gain is because the weight gain is from muscle, which means I just lost seven pounds over the course of a year. How do I know the gain is muscle and not lard? Good question. One look in the mirror answers that one.

I’m now the proud owner of a delightful set of starter guns, i.e. biceps. The other day I was brushing my hair and noticed how big my arms looked. At first I thought, crap! I’m getting fat! On closer inspection, my biceps are really starting to bulk up. I was already lifting to gain muscle before the free weights, but I wasn’t achieving what I wanted in the time-frame I’d set for myself. By tracking my progress via chart, I noted I began lifting with 8 pound dumb bells on January 21. As of today I’m up to 12 pounds. That’s one month. Damn I’m proud!

The only crappy thing about gaining pounds in the way of muscle mass is how the scale taunts me with it. A pound is a pound, it says, and you gained two! Bastard scale, not gonna tell me I’m fat. I’ll crack it in two if it sasses me again, and I’ve got the muscles to do it!

I get asked repeatedly how I did what I’ve done. I tell them, I eat like a traditional Japanese woman. Meaning I eat veggies, tofu and fish with very little dairy and eggs and absolutely no meat from mammals or poultry. There. No need to write a book now, right?

Even after I give people this info, they still want to know more: “Is that it? Isn’t there anything else?” Uh, yeah, it involved me taking responsibility for my actions and owning my habits. It was a re-education. It was me starting to walk 15, 20, 30, 60 minutes a day. It was tossing out the ho-ho’s and baloney.

Is that it? No, no noooooo. Then I tell people, OK, let’s get esoteric: I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe I became fat in order to develop into who I am today. My lard was my cocoon, and my present self is a reflection of the hard work I had to do in my head in terms of acceptance and growth.

This is the point people’s eyes gloss over and I know I’ve lost them. Any time I mention “self-work” or “acceptance” or “it starts in your head and your soul”, the people so desperate to know my “secret” have tuned out. All they heard was: “Japanese food=me get skinny“.

This makes me frustrated, angry and sad. So sad. There’s a saying: “When the student is ready, the master will appear.” The master in this case is a person’s desire and determination to truly change, no matter how painful the process. When the master finally makes his/ her appearance, you know you’re ready for change. The book I plan on writing is about the arrival of my master and how I’m still following him to this day.

Anyone still waiting for their Sensei to make an appearance?

This is my first entry and I can’t say it’s an entirely positive one. My first thought that comes to mind in typing is, “WTF?!” Why? Because I went in to the YMCA to see if it’s even possible to get rid of the last pounds I have lingering (I figured I was done and the flotsam round my waist was leftover skin) and came away with a body fat reading of 32.4%. No. Fricking. Way. No, no, no, no, no way in hell am I still obese! I’m not still a fat girl! I won’t accept it!

Seriously, I lost 8 pant sizes and 10 top sizes. I need to buy size small tops since everything is too big on me now. No way in hell does an obese woman wear a size small top and 12-14 jeans. WTF!!!

I’m so upset right now. I don’t see a fat girl in the mirror, I don’t feel like a fat girl, I don’t move like a fat girl, and I don’t “act” like a fat girl. I like the way I look and feel and I’ll look hella hotter when the loose skin is lasered away. No way is that reading correct.

But, hell, the trainer said he’d like me to get under 30% in 2-3 weeks. Even if that reading was skewed by the 15 or so extra pounds of skin, I always feel it’s a good idea to build lean muscle mass. And that’s what the goal is: Build up 3-5 pounds of lean muscle in the next month or so. I honestly don’t think I’m going to get that reading under 29%; can’t do it with all the lard hiding away in the folds of skin, but that body fat meter bitch-slapped me with a white glove. It’s on.